Forgot my flash drive
I left for tour without my flash drive! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I feel choke slammed by life right now. Hopefully I’ll remember to pick it up when we go through SXSW. Until then, suck it.
5-3-99: Spring Cleaning
We missed so much on Thursday night!!! Somehow in the interim between Mondays Shane McMahon joined The Corporation with The Ministry (no not that Ministry) to form The Corporate Ministry. And yes you’re absolutely correct, Triple H is wearing a black leather Miami Vice suit.
4-26-99: Do You Believe In Stone Cold?
This week’s episode of RAW was sadly pre-empted by the tragedy of the Columbine High School shooting of 1999, and as I’m opening up this file I’m certain that the producers of RAW will make sure to acknowledge the tragic events tastefully while continuing to entertain (because they are professionals people!) Surely the staff of RAW will make sure to keep things light and tip toe around anything that could upset the families of the victims of that horrible massacre. The best way to do that would probably be to just not refer to anything that isn’t an actual tragedy as a tragedy. We can probably make it through an episode of RAW without hyperbole. Right?
4-19-99: No Hoes Barred
Tired of The Undertaker’s rapey shenanigans and change of character as of late The Rock has decided to begin his change in occupation by driving a hearse into the auditorium while wearing a fancy suit with no shirt on underneath. Duh. Actually all of this is Dwayne Johnson’s inner AAAAAACTOOOOOR working it’s way out slowly but surely. He even brought an entire graveyard set with him to Tuskaloosa or wherever this is filming. Such a performer. How do you think one would go about digging an actual grave in a stadium? Would the ground flatten out in time for the Knicks game the next day? Does concrete flatten out? I’ll have to experiment and get back to you.
4-12-99: Bridge Over Troubled Water
Last time we checked in with with the RAW IS WAR crew Stone Cold had been destroying titantrons with the help of aptly named wrestlers and The Undertaker was snackrificing Ken Shamrock’s sister in lieu of his first choice Stephanie McMahon. That’s right, he ate her. Alive. But don’t worry my sweets, Vince McMahon has hired some of Detroit’s finest to keep watch over her guilded crest (YEP!) . Oh also Ken Shamrock was locked in the trunk of a hearse I think. Or maybe he was locked inside of a trunk inside of a hearse. Something like that.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
4/5/99: Bad Ass Billy Gunn & The Haunted Boy Shorts
Settle in children, get a nice cup of steamed pumpkin apple cider with spiced cinnamon and a handful of candy as I tell you the story of Vince McMahon and The Undertaker. Once, they were but two young men flailing wildly in the brave new world called wrestling entertainment. But then one sold his soul to the prince of darkness and started bowing to the almighty dollar. The other was sort of a cowboy for a while and then he became kind of a cult leader. Later he would be a biker. Also Stone Cold still wants his personalized Smoking Skull Heavyweight championship belt.
3-29-99: Oh Fuck We Have To Write Another One Of These?
I think it’s safe to say that Wrestlingmania is probably the most important event in wrestling entertainment. It’s the pay per view of pay per views and it’s the culmination of every story arc at one big show. If you’ve got a match at Wrestlersmania then you’ve got proof that your career trajectory is on the up and up. As a writer and performer (be it on a much smaller scale than anyone working for the WWF – except for my abs) I can only imagine the relief that one must feel at the end of the night of the big performance and the horrible come down of “Oh fuck I have to do this again tomorrow night”. That thought is definitely shared by not only the performers but the writers as well. I’m certain that the writers prepare stories months in advance but there’s no way to be sure of what can happen in the lives of the individual performers to keep those story lines concrete.
Wrestlemania XV: Rage-a-holics anonymous
Hello faithful readers (all six of you)! It’s good to be back in the locker room. Smell that fresh air, look at those rug burns! You should maybe use some lotion. If I felt any remorse for taking a short break in writing about the 1999 season of the WWF I would say that I’m sorry but I’m not so suck it. During the break I recorded an EP for some guyz, and also did some podcasting with my friend John. You should go listen! And as always I’ve been watching a lot of wrestling but not writing about it as if I were some common non blogger. But now I’m back, I feel refreshed and I’m ready to inject a sense of irony into my wrestling blog like it’s never been done before. What could be a better episode to start back up with than WRESTLEMANIA!?
3/22/99: Drinking From A Penis That’s Actually A Water Bottle
This weeks episode begins with Stone Cold Steve Austin ominously trading ringside seats to tonights RAW in Albany New York for the keys to a Coors Light truck (a man has to watch his weight after all) for seemingly no real reason other than the fact that he looOOoOOOoOOOoOooooOOves Coors Light.
