One Year of Wrestling

3-29-99: Oh Fuck We Have To Write Another One Of These?

I think it’s safe to say that Wrestlingmania is probably the most important event in wrestling entertainment. It’s the pay per view of pay per views and it’s the culmination of every story arc  at one big show. If you’ve got a match at Wrestlersmania then you’ve got proof that your career trajectory is on the up and up. As a writer and performer (be it on a much smaller scale than anyone working for the WWF – except for my abs) I can only imagine the relief that one must feel at the end of the night of the big performance and the horrible come down of “Oh fuck I have to do this again tomorrow night”. That thought is definitely shared by not only the performers but the writers as well. I’m certain that the writers prepare stories months in advance but there’s no way to be sure of what can happen in the lives of the individual performers to keep those story lines concrete.The ennui that must have flowed over everyone the morning after Wrestleman XV Is the reason that everyone looks like they’re just going through the motions. The Rock fights Bad Ass Billy Gunn? Sure. Whatever. Uuuuh The Undertaker kidnaps Stephanie McMahon? I guess. Gangrel wears a weird leather claw glove now? I love it. Now that Stone Cold reigns supreme once more he’s all dressed up in best murdered out attire in New Jersey to chat us up a bit before the show gets started. I wonder if he has anything to say to Mr. McMahon. Steve Austin, still drunk from the evening’s post Wrasslemania festivities has decided that he doesn’t like the way that the Heavy Weight Championship belt looks on him so he’s caaaaaaallin’ out Vince to give it back to him. Or possibly play some sort of Mean Girls esque trick based on fashion and spite. His best friends the gay and the goth probably put him up to it. But don’t worry guyz, Stone Cold isn’t quitting the WWF, he just wants to swap out his new championship belt for the vintage Stone Cold championship belt that McMahon took from him last September. I hope he didn’t take it to a resale shop because if he did Stone Cold is going to be piiiiiiiiised.

Once I found a jumper with (the Universal) Dracula on the front and it was $40! Can you imagine paying forty dollars for a Dracula jumper? I almost did but who has that kind of cash to throw around for fashion? These guys apparently:

So while Mr. McMahon tries to figure out where he put Stone Cold’s vintage Heavyweight belt (and more than likely prepares some kind of wacky scheme to hit Stone Cold in the head with said belt) there’s going to be a women’s tag team match that I’ll be skipping over. I guess the lord of darkness heard my cries of boredom and decided to come out to the ring to use your stepmom as bait to kidnap his boss’ daughter? I’m thoroughly confused by the Undertaker’s story arc as of late. I find myself siding with Vince on this whole domestic abuse angle that the Undertaker has decided to embark upon and it makes me uncomfortable. I used to consider myself an outsider but now I’m just another corporate shill. I sold out, maaaan. You can start calling me the Triple H of the South West if you’d like.

Speaking of the Jacob Shelton of the North East, at Wrestlermania Triple H and Chyna did what was probably best for themselves and quit DX by telling X-Pac to suck it and hitting him in the head with the (coveted by no one) European Championship Belt.
Tonight X-Pac is looking to get his revenge on Triple H by smoking his ass (I’m paraphrasing of course). But more on that in three paragraphs.

I propose to you a hypothetical question:  If a man kidnaps your daughter on live television and ADMITS that he has her and not only admits that he kidnapped her but that he’s been planning on kidnapping her for quite some time and on top of that he’s being creepy for mooooonths and now. Also he set his own personal symbol on fire in your front lawn.  Do you call the police and tell them that you need some major help or do you organize a series of matches to pit your crazed “corporate enforcer” against the ADMITTED KIDNAPPER’s vampire henchman? I think the answer is obvious. A word to The Undertaker (everyone else turn away!); Maybe don’t tell the twelfth guy down your creepy terror organization’s latter were you’ve hidden your kidnapping victim because at the first sign of an ankle lock he will tell everyone. Maybe just tell four guys and leave it at that. Maybe tell the nacho guy if he’s also creepy (which he most assuredly is*)

In the swamp of tonight’s post Wrestlingestmania episode there was actually a fantastic match between The Road Dogg (ugh) and Goldust for The Intercontinental Championship filled with some excellent choreography, a couple of twists, and a win by Goldust AND an absolute bat shit crazy speech after the win where he exclaimed that we’d “soon see who he really is”. I cannot wait to see what crazy is about to be pulled out from under that jumpsuit. RAW should really spend more time with our man in gold in black, but I guess that you write what the people want and they just didn’t want wrestling bisexual transvestites in 1999.

I’m so tired  of Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart. So fucking tired. I don’t care about your step mom being their manager, or Double J’s dumb haircut or people getting hit in the head with guitars. I cannot understand why they were still being given time in the middle of the show to come out and bore everyone into to a creepy nacho guy induced coma. Can’t we just have Jeff Jarrett abducted by aliens and Owen Hart get drafted by the Winnipeg militia? We’ll workshop it.

Three paragraphs later and X Pac is finally ready to smoke Triple H’s ass. I can’t believe that Triple H would even accept this challenge, he’s so huge and muscley and X Pac is just a kid

Thank goodness that lunatic Kane came out to flick the lights on and off so everyone would calm down. Degeneration X stories are never not boring.

By the end of the episode Vince has decided to drive his traumatized daughter home so he’s left Shane in charge and all he had to do was deliver Stone Cold’s belt to him in his dressing room but he decided to give it to The Rock instead because he is an epic shit head. Shane is one of those kids that you can’t leave at home by himself for an hour or he’ll go through all of your things and celebrate by eating peanut butter with his bare hands and without fail he got his peanut buttery fingers all over Stone Cold’s fancy pants one of a kind snake skin heavy weight championship belt. You could have burned the god damn house down boy. Thankfully Paul Whyte came out to take the grilled cheese out of the toaster just in time (but not before Stone Cold could be hit in the head with his own fancy pants belt – TWICE!).

Two blue jeaned men alone. Together.

*Sorry to all nacho guys on that slam seemingly out of nowhere but you know you deserve it.

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