Settle in children, get a nice cup of steamed pumpkin apple cider with spiced cinnamon and a handful of candy as I tell you the story of Vince McMahon and The Undertaker. Once, they were but two young men flailing wildly in the brave new world called wrestling entertainment. But then one sold his soul to the prince of darkness and started bowing to the almighty dollar. The other was sort of a cowboy for a while and then he became kind of a cult leader. Later he would be a biker. Also Stone Cold still wants his personalized Smoking Skull Heavyweight championship belt.
Vince McMahon is out of the show today. He’s worried about his recently un-kidnapped daughter and in what was probably a rash decision made b picking a card out of a stack marked “BAD DECISIONS” he leaves his son Shane in charge of RAW Tonight, Shane’s character choice will be “coked up asshole”. VERY GOOD CHOICE!
From the looks of things Shane’s first act as Head (read:host) of RAW tonight was to put together a *New* Corporation and then to put them in silly hats or tiny sunglasses. Or both.
I know most of you reading this and I know you’ve all made questionable fashion choices in life. Every night you should thank your lucky stars that you didn’t make them on live television. AAAAAAAAAAANYWAYZ; Shane seems dead set on mentally torturing Stone Cold by posting a late 90s version of an animated .gif of his fancy pants vintage Smoking Skull belt on the titan tron randomly throughout the night. Shane you bad.
28 minutes. That’s how long it took The Undertaker to hijack this episode. I guess he’s going to rekidnap Stephanie McMahon and make her into a super goth like him. Fine. Whatever. Take her to Hot Topic and get it over with. Just stop interrupting my show please. And a word of advice to Vince McMahon, if you’re so worried about The Undertaker stealing your daughter and getting her to listen to Milk & Kisses (no, really listen to it) on repeat then just leave the auditorium. That’s all you have to do! Just get in a limo and go home. Although Paul Bearer would probably be driving the limo and I don’t know, Faruk would be the doorman. I don’t really know how limos work. Maybe it’s just best to surround yourself with all of the security that you can find.
And just to make sure I get this out there, in The Undertaker’s big speech that was in half fake Latin he never explicitly said that he was going to re-kidnap Stephanie McMahon. He just said that he wanted to and that he would sacrifice a girl. So draw your own obvious conclusions. Or are they? (The are, he sacrifices someone else).
Here’s a skit that I wrote that takes place back stage at Monday Night RAW.
Producer: Alright alright people, we finally got Shane outta the booth. Geeze Louise I am tired of that guy telling us to put things up on the Titantron. Sometimes I just wish someone would rip it down. Okay what do you got next, ah yes a couple of vampireare fighting The New Age Outlaws. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Producer 2: Uh Jerry we’ve got about three minutes to fill before The Outlaws take the stage.
Producer: Then lets use that footage of Christian getting flogged by The Undertaker.
After the flogging most of the episode takes place at the announcers table. And not with spandexed wrestlers getting slammed into it over and over again like you and I would be hoping about, Jerry and Michael seem to be too enthralled with their discussion of the behind the scenes goings on of the WWF and their thoughts on the super creepy Undertaker to give any fucks about The Road Dogg (ugh) or Al Snow. And rightly so.
I’m so so so happy that The Godfather is wrestling tonight. This ticket feels like the producers knew that this episode would be too heavy and rightly assumed that they needed to lighten the mood.
WELL DONE! I wonder how it feels to know that everyone is having a better night because of you, however that feels must be how The Godfather feels on a day to day basis. One day I will be as The Godfather, rife with green polyester pants and hoes. Waterfalls of delicious hoes! Also he’s fighting Goldust so that’s just a win win for the audience. How can Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole even try to discuss all of that Undertaker malarky when an honest to goodness pimp is wrestling a transvestite wearing gold face paint and the pimp’s hoes are chasing the transvestite’s daughter/the blue meanie around the ring with their shoes? It’s impossible. Also The Undertaker kidnapped Ryan Shamrock (maybe) and they’re going to sacrifice her in front of a live studio audience in New Jersey. Which is kind of fine actually because she’s been looking for an identity and the goth phase is an important part of life. Personally I’ve had two.
A few stray observations: I love that The Rock hates the audience saying his catch phrases along with him. I’m glad that there’s a wrestler that represents my disdain for people that talk while *I* talk. Also when people don’t smell what I’m cookin’ it gets on my nerves.
I am so pleased to finally see someone grab two people by the head and knock them together. That almost never happens in real life.
This show has gone off the rails completely. The Undertaker is kidnapping random women and sacrificing them to Robert Smith while The Big Show and Stone Cold Steve Austin are performing amateur construction on the Titantron out of spite. They’ve really come back from that March Slump.
Happy Halloween America
- oneyearofwrestling posted this