4-12-99: Bridge Over Troubled Water
Last time we checked in with with the RAW IS WAR crew Stone Cold had been destroying titantrons with the help of aptly named wrestlers and The Undertaker was snackrificing Ken Shamrock’s sister in lieu of his first choice Stephanie McMahon. That’s right, he ate her. Alive. But don’t worry my sweets, Vince McMahon has hired some of Detroit’s finest to keep watch over her guilded crest (YEP!) . Oh also Ken Shamrock was locked in the trunk of a hearse I think. Or maybe he was locked inside of a trunk inside of a hearse. Something like that.
Now that Shane is in charge of The Corporation and he’s gone on what the kids are calling a “power trip” and has in two fell swoops changed the name of The Corporation to The New Corporation and fired Brisco and Patterson, two of the least consequential WWF characters ever. Except for that episode where they had to go through all of those bars and find Stone Cold, that was hilarious.
Thank everything that is holy that the Women’s Championship match is the first match of the evening.
So Stone Cold still (alliteration!) hasn’t gotten his belt back and the Texas Rattlesnake is starting to get a bit testy with Mr. The Rock. If he didn’t put so much stock in Earthly possessions I doubt he would be so upset every week. You have one very nice belt Steve, cherish it. After all you can’t take it with you.
The main event for tonight’s RAW is a parlour game presented by Sir Mr. The Rock wherein Stone Cold will have to follow clues that he finds throughout the arena and city of Detroit to locate Sir The Rock and his whimsical Smoking Skull Belt. My goodness that sounds like fun, hopefully I can download a card to play my own version at home.
Why was The Undertaker so rapey in 99? I remember him being a literal undertaker, a cowboy, then a biker; but never a rapist. Maybe that’s why my mom made me stop watching. Did Ken Shamrock have his own brand of jorts? Arizona could have made them.They could have been called “Shorts”, it would have defeated the purpose of calling them jorts I suppose but I still would have worn them.
I think that The Rock’s scavenger hunt is taking longer than he had hoped.
Short’s sister has been kidnapped again and she’s in the boiler room (again) being …raped? Molested? Something awful I guess. Anyway Shorts is going to find her but also Mankind is in the boiler room being kooky (a’nodoy) so we’ll see how that shakes out in a bit I’m sure. Everyone is going to get hit by a baseball bat I guess.
The Godfather should win some sort of championship, be it the Intercontinental Championship or tag team or something. How good would he look with a gold belt? I think he has a rubber belt or something right now. They make rubber belts don’t they? Maybe it’s some sort of polyurethane mix. Or a belt made of pure imagination.
Update on Shamrock, he went to the boiler room and hit a bunch of people with a baseball bat (you guys owe me a million dollars!) but ended up getting kidnapped and will probably be “sacrificed” after these messages from Taco Bell and USA’s premiering of Idle Hands.
I’m going to try to straighten all of this Shamrock business out in my head. Ken Shamrock is crazy but also very tuff, thus The Undertaker wants to make him a cult member, but he also hates the vampires that are working for him so he tries to teach them a lesson by sacrificing them? Or maybe just beating them up and sacrificing Shamrock? And now the vampires aren’t in The Undertakers group anymore. Fine. I guess Shamrock got away in the melee. I hope he got to keep that rather strapping cult robe.
X Pac & Kane VS Triple H & Test. I. Could. Not. Care. Less.
The thing that I don’t understand about the Kane back story isn’t that he survived a fire set by The Undertaker who is also his half brother or step brother or whatever. He may or may not be able to control fire and he’s possibly made of magic. If he’s such a dummy who supposedly doesn’t understand what he’s doing at any time (unless he’s harnessing the power of fire) then how did he sign a contract to be in the WWF to begin with? How did he join The Corporation? And how does he know to stand on the side of the ring when he’s not tagged in? How does he know to fucking tag himself in. Get your shit together WWF writers in 1999. I realize that I’m splitting hairs but these are the things that get on my nerves while I’m sitting at my mothers house watching old wrestling videos. [edit: I’m now at my apartment, ladies]
Is The Undertaker’s real name Mark? Shamrock keeps calling him Mark. Maybe its a pet name or something. You know how you have pet names for people that are basically real names. Biblical pet names. There’s your new band kids.
RAW needs more throwing people over bridges into lakes.
I could watch The Rock improv with a fishing pole all day.
Thanks for reading this week’s episode you guys, here are some choice quotes to end your week with.
“Detroit’s always been a good place to party” – JR
“Everybody knows that hoes love gold” – Jerry Lawler
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