4-19-99: No Hoes Barred
Tired of The Undertaker’s rapey shenanigans and change of character as of late The Rock has decided to begin his change in occupation by driving a hearse into the auditorium while wearing a fancy suit with no shirt on underneath. Duh. Actually all of this is Dwayne Johnson’s inner AAAAAACTOOOOOR working it’s way out slowly but surely. He even brought an entire graveyard set with him to Tuskaloosa or wherever this is filming. Such a performer. How do you think one would go about digging an actual grave in a stadium? Would the ground flatten out in time for the Knicks game the next day? Does concrete flatten out? I’ll have to experiment and get back to you.
After disappearing on a three week meth binge The Road Dogg (ugh) is back to challenge Owen Hart to a Number One Contender or Titties match, probably one of the most popular matches in wrestling entertainment. For all intensive purposes The Road Dogg (blech!) won the titties but Jeff Jarrett ruined them for everyone (just like the mullet, but surprisingly not the white cowboy hat).
After winning the much coveted Intercontinental Championship last week The Godfather has insisted that he’ll be a “fighting champion” but how couldn’t you be? Can you imagine being a non fighting champion? “Why yes I did win this Intercontinental Championship but I don’t see myself fighting for at least another two months. My mother in law is sick and I just got a cracking recipe for a rhubarb pie. I’ll bring some to the next match!” But I digress, The Godfather is defending his title from HardcoreXHolly in a regular match but XHardcoreXHollyX can’t seem to stop fighting so hardcore. Now that he’s the duct tape champion he insists on whacking every wrestler in a ten foot radius with a pie tin. Even with this odd affectation he can’t seem to wrestle a regular fight without Al Snow or Goldust or some other nut coming in and cocking the whole thing up.
A SHORT PLAY CONCERNING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
“Thanks a lot you nuts!” – Hardcore Holly
“You’re welcome!” – Al Snow, Goldust, D’Lo Brown, etc
“I didn’t actually mean ‘thank you’ you dum dums, I was being sarcastic.” – Hardcore Holly
“Oh.” – Al Snow, Goldust, D’Lo Brown, etc
Hey guys we’re filming. Can everyone get off their god damn phones?
I don’t think that there’s ever been a wetter man in wrestling entertainment.
Thanks to Billy Gunn (I guess?) we’re having another titties match but for some reason the stakes don’t feel as high. Maybe if this was a titties or pony tail match we could talk but until then I think I’ll sign out.
Jeff Jarrett ruined titties for everyone again. What else is new?
This week’s episode is a great example (and I use the word loosely) of the EPs or maybe just Ps of the WWF coming up with a couple of great ideas (literally two) and not being able to fill out an entire episode. “Hey we’ll get The Rock to bury Stone Cold alive in the middle of an arena and then we’ll get Debra to pull out her tits…sort of. And then maybe we’ll get Man Kind to fight Triple H or something. Oh and make sure that The Undertaker keeps turning out the lights. We’ve got to keep our electricity bill down.”
I was trying to think of a funny thing to say about the closing minutes of RAW but I think I’ll just describe it as it happens.
The Rock delivers a eulogy to Stone Cold’s memory while Stone Cold drives a monster truck over The Rock’s new Lincoln Continental into the arena, parks on top of the hearse and then punches The Rock into the grave and pours beer all over him. Duh.
“Duh”
