5-3-99: Spring Cleaning
We missed so much on Thursday night!!! Somehow in the interim between Mondays Shane McMahon joined The Corporation with The Ministry (no not that Ministry) to form The Corporate Ministry. And yes you’re absolutely correct, Triple H is wearing a black leather Miami Vice suit.
I wish that we could have gotten that action here on RAW (the recap looked like a lot of fun!) but I guess you’ve got to spread out the hot topic fashion/action. This season I’ve watched a lot of opening monologues and this one ranks somewhere near the bottom. “Blah blah blah, taking over, blah blah blah, I hate my dad.” We know! Look at all the black you’re wearing! The person that I feel the worst for in all of the corporate ministry brew haha has to be Midian, his only job is to stand behind Shane or The Undertaker and nod menacingly while either of his two bosses rattles on and on about Zeus knows what. Oh and if you were wondering, because The Corporate Ministry has two bosses they both get to ramble on menacingly for a good five to seven minutes a piece. Shane still hates his dad. The Undertaker still hates everyone. The tide still comes and goes with the waxing and waning of the moon. The Earth still rotates.
With the formation of the new Corporate Ministry it seems that an adverse group has sprung up to try and upset any evil balance that the CM gains. The new group is The Union (Enough with all of the work parallels. When I watch wrestling entertainment I want to escape from my mind numbing job in the construction office under the coalmine and just wash away with some good old fashioned evil magic guys.) and it was formed by Man Kind, The Big Show, Ken Shamrock and Test. Three out of four ain’t bad I guess. And you do need at least two big guys in your group. But what a boon it would have been if The Union had gotten The Godfather to join their crew. I’m not trying to cry affirmative action but I certainly would have chosen The Godfather over Test. One, he’s a business owner. Two, he’s the Intercontinental Champion and everyone loves an Intercontinental Champion, never mind the fact that having some gold in your group really adds validity to your new formation of talent. I’m going to work under the assumption that The Godfather was asked to join The Union and that he respectively declined.
This makes two weeks in a row that Kane has had to carry X-Pac out of the ring over his shoulder and two times in twenty five minutes that The Corporate Ministry has come out to the ring to host a monologue but this time it’s to change up the matches. Maybe? It’s hard to imagine that any wrestler that was supposed to be wrestling that night would be okay with the entire program being changed at the whim of a child. It’s very Nero-esque.
“Yes absolutely, I drove all the way from East Lansing without any sleep to wrestle my first broadcast bout in three weeks for $100 but sure, you go ahead and have your four way guy wearing black match.” – Faruk, probably.
I must say that I’m genuinely excited that I’ll finally get to watch a Lumberjack match. Hopefully nothing goes a rye because it’s time to break out my flannel and incredibly long saws. Watch out trees! If you were wondering how The Undertaker has been sneaking into houses and holding teddy bears captive for the last few months the “big” reveal that Shane has been helping The Undertaker all along should really shock you, he even picked out Stephanie’s creepy wedding dress last week. Thanks big bro!
Ugh. Is there anything more unwanted than a Mean Street Posse tag team match? That hair!
Oh my goodness, I’m genuinely shocked at the ferocity with which the Brisco and Patterson are doling out pain to the Mean Street Posse. I know that it’s all made up and everyone is fake fighting but I still feel really bad for these guys. I think Brisco just whipped one of the MSP guys with his own belt. Good heavens.
All of the matches tonight seem to be more quantity than quality. As I’ve made abundantly clear I’m not a fan of Test (as he is the worst) and the McMahon on McMahon action earlier seemed to last as long as a quick sneeze. And as much as I enjoy a good hardcore match when it doesn’t involve HardcoreXHolly or Al Snow I can’t make myself care about Faruk or Bradshaw (even if they are throwing Man Kind through a bunch of chairs). It’s entirely possible that something union wise was happening in the news around May of 99 and the writers had a bunch of lazy union worker jokes sitting around and they decided that the best way to clear out the office would be to have about ten matches in half an hour.
When you’re an evil magician do you really need to pour ether all over your elbow pad and then put the giant guy (who has one armed tied behind his back) that you’re fighting into a literal sleeper hold? Why would a magical cemetery worker need to use ether to put a giant to sleep? Shouldn’t he have a spell ready for that kind of thing? I’ll let it go but I’ve seen no magic.
Is this what most evening gowns look like? I don’t get a chance to see very many because I don’t go on many dates with stepmoms so frankly a bit stumped about this clothing choice. Is this normal or is Debra wearing the glitter booby squares for comical/”sexy” effect. I hate using quotes like that but sometimes they’re right.
The Lumberjack match lasted about as long as any other match lasted tonight but with much more satisfying results. The moment that The Corporate Ministry lumberjacks took their places around the ring everyone basically started punching each other and dragging corporate ministry guys through the ropes. But the payoff of The Union (which I really thought was going no where, I was certain that they would just be four dudes with 2X4s for a couple of weeks) forming earlier this evening was that they got to run out to the ring with their numbers beefed up times ten (including The Godfather, GOOD JOB YOU GUYZ). I find that RAW is at it’s best when the show becomes completely unhinged and everyone starts suplexing each other. It may not make for pretty television but it’s definitely entertaining.
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