One Year of Wrestling

fuckyeahmst3k: Aro delightfully meets his hero. Fandoms has...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:18:50 -0400

fuckyeahmst3k:

Aro delightfully meets his hero.

Fandoms has been collidin ya’ll.

Photo

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 19:47:27 -0500

moonssault

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:05:24 -0500

moonssault:

Okay indie rock songs about wrestling for fans of The Radio Dept. and other bands probably.

5-17-99 - Curtain Call For Bacon

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 00:57:18 -0500

UNION! UNION! UNION! Right guys? No? Hopefully the Union angle has been dropped this week (but probably not) and we can get on with our lives of not chasing people around with 2X4s. Oh Monday Night Raw please let me get on with my life. With the promise of a casket match between The Undertaker and The Rock at the end of the evening we first have to sit through a six man tag team match with X-Pac, Kane, and The Road Dogg (ugh) and I don’t know, Faruq, Bradshaw, and Billy Gunn probably?

Excuse me, Mark Henry, D’Lo Brown and Billy Gunn. You win some you lose some. In the case of this six man tag match, we all lose.

After the, more than likely, Teddy Long approved six man tag team match there is yet ANOTHER tag team match between the teams of Val Venis and The Godfather (duh) and Jeff Jarret and The Blue Blazer. All that I can think of as this match starts is that we’ll soon be losing Owen Hart and it bums me out. I know that the WWF had no crystal ball to look into to know that such a terrible thing would happen but I just wish that I could scream through the waves of time to warn The Hart Foundation. That being said, even JR can’t get behind the character of The Blue Blazer, “he’s some kind of nerdy, super hero character, I don’t get it”; well said JR.

Meat VS Test. Yikes. I think that the WWF accidentally filmed a dark match and stuck it in the middle of this broadcast. Yes, that must be what happened.

Stone Cold gives a solid promo as usual.

The last half of this episode is really picking up, a casket match between The Rock and The Undertaker is a PPV caliber match that’s, more than likely, only on the card do to it being the week of a PPV; but whatever, it’s a good match for once. The Undertaker always brings his A game, even if he’s wrestling someone like Giant Gonzalez, and this is the beginning of The Rock really blowing up in the WWF. By this time of ‘99 he was probably still considered a heel but he gets huge pops whenever he walks out to the ring. And more to the point, this is the beginning of Triple H’s ascension to the top of the mountain, I even think this is the first time that he brought out the sledgehammer. While the match ends with a traditional non ending it’s cool to see two guys who you know are going to go on to be huge stars begin their rise.

Another six man tag match? This time it’s between The Brood and The Hardy Boys with Michael Hayes. A million pairs of Jnco’s were sold that Tuesday.

The Austin and Triple H match was a particular bright spot in a very fun episode of RAW (and it may be that the only reason this episode feels fun is that the last few RAW’s have been abysmal). Stone Cold absolutely exploded out of the gate and rarely slowed down, and Triple H seems to have finally come into his own as a top notch athlete (and guy on the roster who has McMahon’s ear). The final segment includes The Undertaker coming out to the ring with The Ministry to crucify Austin but in a kind of Slapstick/Abbot and Costello kind of turn around, The Undertaker is actually crucified and ends up loving it. You can’t write this stuff.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

Is there anything worse than Billy Gunn’s theme music? Here are the lyrics and I’ll let you be the judge.

I’m an ass man
Yeah I’m an ass man (Yeah!)
I love to love ‘em
I love to kick ‘em
I love to shove ‘em
I love to stick ‘em
Love to flaunt ‘em
I love to watch ‘em
I love to pick ‘em
And I’m gonna kick ‘em
‘cause I’m an Ass Man
Yeah, I’m an Ass man
Yes I’m an Ass man (Ohhhh)
I’m an Ass Man
So many asses, so little time
Only a tight one, can stop me on the dime
I’m a lover, of every kind
The best surprises always sneak up from behind
I’m an Ass man
Yeah, I’m an Ass man
Yes I’m an Ass man (Ohhhh)
I’m an Ass Man
Buns of glory,
Buns of steel
Your lies won’t give away the truth of how I feel
You walk behind me,
I feel the heat.
That’s why the girls don’t walk behind me down the street
I’m an Ass man
Yeah, I’m an Ass man
Yes I’m an Ass man (Ohhhh)
I love to love ‘em
I love to kick ‘em
I love to shove ‘em
I love to stick ‘em
Love to flaunt ‘em
I love to watch ‘em
I love to pick ‘em
And I’m gonna kick ‘em
I’m an Ass man
Yeah, I’m an Ass man
Yes I’m an Ass man (Ohhhh)

Does anyone really like to shove a rear end? Or to flaunt and then pick them? All of these hinder maneuvers seem to counteract each other, or at least half of them do. I too thought that I was an ass man, but if this is the dedication that it takes to be an ass man then you can count me out.

It seems that the WWF knows how boring The Union is because they’ve been using them less each week. Hopefully they’ll be gone forever by June.

I like Al Snow, he’s a fun character and he can work like few wrestlers can, but it’s a snoozefest when creative has him in a promo battle with Hardcore Holly. Their match on Valentines Day that culminated in Al Snow getting wrapped up in a bit of fence by a river was great but every time that the two opponents meet it’s only to diminished returns.

JBL has a giant ass in those leather Ministry pants. A Big Show sized ass.

Speaking of the Big Show, if I were that intimidating I don’t think that I would allow someone to braid my hair like this

Or maybe that makes him more intimidating, I think I’ve stumbled upon Big Show’s secret genius.

The Corporate Ministry drives a champagne town car?

QUIPS

JR remarking that, after a hot tag to The Road Dogg (ugh), [team K-Pacc] is doing it doggy style. - 2

While I appreciate JR being a team player and his commentary on Legends of Wrestling, it grosses me out to hear that come out of his mouth.

JR telling Jerry Lawler that he needs to pace himself as all of the babes come down to the ring for the second tag match was great. If only he had heeded JR’s words. =”’[ - 8

Everything that Jerry Lawler says concerning breasts - 0

JR - “it looks like curtains for meat” - 10

In regards to Stone Cold and Triple H spending most of their match destroying the announce table

“…and we’re not even Spanish!” - 10

JR you are spoiling me.

ACTION

Billy Gunn’s power slam - 6

It was actually pretty cool. I think that if Billy Gunn had half of the mic skills as his in ring ability he would have been a huge star. Alas, he has a move christened “Mr. Ass’ Power Slam”. Yuck.

Triple H smashing a casket with a sledgehammer while The Rock is locked inside (READ: under the apron/backstage) - 9

Very fun but kind of scary, would watch again.

Edge’s spear to Jeff Hardy - 7

It looks like that really hurt, is everyone okay?

Stone Cold and Triple H completely destroying the outside of the ring and double clotheslining each other in the process was fun and definitely wasn’t the technical wizardry that JR and Lawler were talking up through the entire episode - 8

SEXY LADIES

8 - The ladies were all very sexy.

HEEL STUFF

The Undertaker coming out of the closet with Triple H and Chyna to spook out Vince McMahon (who has a legendary fear of the boogeyman). - 7

Magic powers! Black robes! Grabbing guys by the throat! Locking The Rock in a casket! Trying to crucify Stone Cold! Very good heel work. Would let heel again ++

COOL WRESTLING STUFF

There was not very much cool wrestling stuff. I very much liked the Stone Cold/Triple H match but I gushed about it everywhere else. -3?

BOREDOM LEVEL

Meat VS Test - 10

While this match was mega super awful and I have no idea what happened other than Jerry Lawler continuing to be awful towards women, I did get to hear JR say “it looks like curtains for meat”. Live forever JR.

Al Snow and Bob Holly program - 6? 7? I wasn’t really paying attention.

YIKES

Anything that had to do with a woman in this episode gets 10 out of 10 on the Yikes scale, for whatever reason the WWF absolutely hates women.

On a related note, Jerry Lawler continues to work on his wing of the YIKES HALL OF FAME with being horrific on commentary and deciding to still wear that high school musical production General costume from The Pirates of Penzance. 10

And that’s why I don’t buy PPVs.

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 22:59:42 -0400

And that’s why I don’t buy PPVs.

5-10-99: Chekov's 2X4

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 01:11:02 -0400

Hey anyone that’s been sitting on the edge of their seat for the last few months, I’ve been kind of actually busy with some freelance work that I have going on and watching wrestling while not typing about it (HERESY!). I’m sure you’ve all been calling my mom to make sure that I’m alright, well I am and she wants you to stop calling. Although I appreciate the cards. Now that I’m back with a vengeance I’ve decided to make a few changes to the format of OYOW, instead of a long rambling blog post I’ll be trying to fit the episode into a succinct ratings system along with my rambling blog style. Over the course of the rest of the episodes I’ll no doubt alter this style even more. On to the action!

After a quick match between Kane and Bad Ass Billy Gunn that ends with every mid card wrestler ever (read: X Pac, Road Dogg (ugh) D-Lo and Marc Henry) coming out to end the match by DQ. We then get shots of The Union (McMahon, Man Kind, Test, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, and Big Boss Man (RIP) but oddly sans Brisco, Patterson, and Shawn Michaels) walking to the ring flanked by three masked riot police (definitely not Brisco, Patterson, and Shawn Michaels) and calling out Shane and his Corporate Ministry.

As TCM makes their way to the ring to “union bust” (ugh, addressed below) Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron half heartedly pretending to be a weather man and being an all around cheek. He essentially announces a lot of matches that happened last week, and also an evening gown match and then unmasks himself as one of the riot police and proceeds to remove his shirt and hit himself in the junk with a microphone. So far so good!

Most of Commissioner Michaels’ matches are bunk (I’m 100 years old) except for the Cactus Jack hardcore match and the Faruq VS Bradshaw lumberjack match. Everything else feels recycled from weeks previous, either that or I’ve watched this episode twice for some reason. Outside of the Union VS Copmin storyline Jeff Jarrett remembered that he was a character that was supposed to be in the show but didn’t have much a storyline. He reminds me of my dad, a guy that’s in a perpetually bad mood that hits people over the head with guitars. His match with Val Venis feels out of place in an episode intent on pushing the rivalry between The Corporate Ministry and The Union. It’s no wonder that he left the WWE so soon after this storyline came to an end.

Stray Thoughts

Billy Gunn’s theme song “I’m An Ass Man” is absolutely the worst. I can’t wait until he disappears forever (until RAW 1000).

Road Dogg is wrestling in jean shorts and socks, this cannot be official attire.

D-Lo is wrestling in his sandals so I guess the official attire is out the window.

There are two wrestlers with “The Big…” in their names. Think about it.

Can Shawn really refer to himself as sexy when he continues to wear khaki shorts?

The Big Show is wrestling in jeans, was this filmed on casual Friday? Why is everyone being so mean to Paul Bearer? Sure he’s an evil big guy but he can only take so much.

Is The Big Bossman in The Corporate Ministry? I can’t keep these super boring guys straight.

Faruq calling Shawn Michaels a punk ass and saying that he won’t wrestle for our entertainment is the best. We even got quiet “damn” out of him.

RATINGS (SCALE OF 1-10)

QUIPS

“They’re going to do some union busting” - Jerry Lawler on the fight brewing between The Corporate Ministry and The Union. - I give it a 1. Boo to you Jerry Lawler, if there were ever a time to make a Blessed Union of Souls joke is would be now (or then) and you missed it.

“The Sheriff is back in town” - Shawn Michaels. BOO! 1

“Time to take out the trash” - Jerry Lawler as Cactus Jack hits Midian in the head with a trashcan. I will boo Jerry Lawler until the end of time - 1

These quips have to get better, they must! If not I’m sending everyone back to OVW.

ACTION

Like a 5, I guess? Every match seemed to end with a group of guys running out to the ring with either 2X4s or matrix coats and breaking everything up. I suppose that Jeff Jarrett did hit Val Venis over the head with a guitar at the end of an evening gown match so there was a medium amount of action, I guess. More or less.

Cactus Jack (I know!) threw basketballs at Viscera and Midian and it was fantastic. I had fun watching three guys have fun in the ring.

SEXY LADIES

8 - The ladies were all very sexy.

HEEL STUFF

For some reason eeeeeeeeveryone felt like a heel on this episode. Either it was Venis hitting on Double J’s gal or Double J smashing a guitar over Venis’ head and then everyone else just heeled about. I suppose that you could argue that Shamrock was faceish due to his overwhelming hate of fighting women (until he fought one) and that Michaels was less heels than the other heels. That being said, on a show where everyone felt like the bad guy, nothing felt that bad. I give it a 3.

COOL WRESTLING STUFF - 4

Mick Foley came out and wrestled as Cactus Jack in a handy cap hardcore match against Viscera and Midian (so whatever) and he threw basketballs at them. It was great.

The Faruq and Bradshaw Lumberjack match was a lot of fun to watch. It’s always good to see two great wrestlers that rarely get a chance to shine having a ball throwing each other all over the place.

BOREDOM LEVEL - 7

I genuinely zoned out and folded a bunch of laundry during the Test and Bossman match and while Brisco and Patterson tag teamed against The Mean Street Posse I got caught up reading JBL’s wikipedia page. The Mean Street Posse are gone I guess.

YIKES - a billion

All of the homophobia directed towards Nicole Bass, just yikes.

Conclusions
In a business saturated with entertainers (athletes, guys, whatever) I think it’s great that so many guys get to run out to the ring every ten minutes and rabble rouse (yeah I said it) with each other until the commercial break, but when you have two talents like Steve Austin and The Rock closing in on their peak (arguably) you should use them in a more calculated way than having them wrestler for six seconds before having The Undertaker throw them off of a platform into a Cadillac filled with ham (this didn’t happen but it would have been great).

Join me next week as we thrill at the stirring conclusion of nothing.

Hooray! It’s not Khali!

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:40:17 -0400

Hooray! It’s not Khali!

I always end up eating Italian food when I watch RAW and this 8 man tag match is only fueling my...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:25:42 -0400

I always end up eating Italian food when I watch RAW and this 8 man tag match is only fueling my hunger for bread and sauce.

vivala90s: Jonathan Taylor Thomas & The Undertaker At...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 14:23:30 -0400

vivala90s:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas & The Undertaker At Wrestlemania

Let’s just the entire locker room out here for this promo.

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 20:12:33 -0400

Let’s just the entire locker room out here for this promo.

6-11-12: Goat face

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 21:44:14 -0400

RAW is three hours long now, I don’t know if I have the stamina to make it through a three hour show for the next every Monday for the rest of my life. The REST OF MY LIFE you guyz! I’ll try to power through or watch in the van or while I work on one of my many sewing projects (they are numerous). The thrust of this episode is that John Laurinaitis is going to be fired by Mr. McMahon UNLESS he can put on a good show and save the ol’ WWE theater or something. I may be getting this episode mixed up with two of The Muppets movies.

The awkward moments were only beginning when we returned from one of the many commercial breaks to watch Lord Tensai throwing his manager/guy in a kimono around the ring for what felt like forever with no music or commentary to speak of. It’s on the bubble for my fave five uncomfortable moments of the show. I was already pretty sure that Lord Tensai was supposed to be a mega bad Japanese guy or something but the point has been made. Even if he reminds of watching wrestling with my dad while my mom silently dissaproved I’ll be happy if he never graces the screen again. I’m sure he’ll show up on Smackdown to prove a point for Johnny Ace. You guys I can’t wait. I can totally wait.

I’m for reals only fifteen minutes into this recap and I’m exhausted. I should use my Domino’s pizza tracker to order some delicious Domino’s pizza to regain my strength to finish this post.

The best match of the night was the fatal four way between Christian, Jack Swagger, Dolph Zigler, and The Great Kahli for the pleasure of being the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship at No Way Out but before that there was an incredibly important mixed tag team match between the teams of Santino Marella & Layla (Layntino Mareyla) and Ricardo Rodriguez and Beth Phoenix. The only thing that I can really remember about this match is that Ricardo seems game to act the fool and make the match as enjoyable as possible. I’m genuinely disappointed that Alberto Del Rio is injured because I’d love to see what Ricardo was going to do at No Way Out.

My new favorite portion of RAW or Smackdown is the beginning of Ryback’s matches where his opponents have a little promo and call him out. The last couple of matches have featured poems written by the jobbers that he’s facing that evening. The viewing public wasn’t so lucky this time, but his opponents were named after the 13th and 19th Presidents of the United States of America (Willard Fillmore and Rutherford Hayes respectfully). I know that a jobbers job (ugh) is to go out and get thrown around the ring like so many thumbtacks in a hardcore match but the goofiness of the jobbers in these Ryback matches are top notch. Almost as top notch as that little march that Ryback does in every match. Surely he’ll face a professional soon. Probably Sandow?

This episode seems to be more about the ins and outs of the corporate world than anything else. There may have been five matches in this whole episode.

Yay Sin Cara! He kind of does the same thing every week but I suppose that you could make that argument for every wrestler in the WWE roster. Who gets to name the luchadore moves? I can come up with something better than “Corkscrew Concha” or at least something just as good.

The Party Pooper
Transmission Fluid Belly Stomp
The Rodeo Romper
Wet Towel Waffler
Monkey Legs

The final match (a tag team effort between the teams of Daniel Bryan and Kane VS CM Punk and AJ) added to the infinite shrug that is the love square between the four combatants. While I was curious how the match would play out (there’s only so much time in the broadcast) I couldn’t imagine how odd the happenings would be. About three minutes into the match AJ began prancing around Kane in the middle of the ring, began straddling him and then proceeded to make out with the big red monster for upwards of 30 seconds. I’m not a fan of love triangles (unless New Order is singing about it) or squares, or whatever but I can’t imagine how the producers came to the decision to have an incredibly awkward moment on tv. The whole thing was super weird to say the least.

I’m leaving out a few matches that I can’t find the interest to talk about (not that they were bad or anything it’s just that every time I move my fingers to type about the Big Show my laptop turns into a vortex of ennui) but overall last night was fun I think. Mr. McMahon is a fun character that I wish would come out more often, even if it is to do a weird funkasauras dance. You’ve got to give the audience what they want I suppose.

Photo

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 21:52:43 -0400

Photo

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 20:50:47 -0400

Forgot my flash drive

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 11:17:00 -0500

I left for tour without my flash drive! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I feel choke slammed by life right now. Hopefully I’ll remember to pick it up when we go through SXSW. Until then, suck it.

5-3-99: Spring Cleaning

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 11:00:05 -0500

We missed so much on Thursday night!!! Somehow in the interim between Mondays Shane McMahon joined The Corporation with The Ministry (no not that Ministry) to form The Corporate Ministry. And yes you’re absolutely correct, Triple H is wearing a black leather Miami Vice suit.

I wish that we could have gotten that action here on RAW (the recap looked like a lot of fun!) but I guess you’ve got to spread out the hot topic fashion/action. This season I’ve watched a lot of opening monologues and this one ranks somewhere near the bottom. “Blah blah blah, taking over, blah blah blah, I hate my dad.” We know! Look at all the black you’re wearing! The person that I feel the worst for in all of the corporate ministry brew haha has to be Midian, his only job is to stand behind Shane or The Undertaker and nod menacingly while either of his two bosses rattles on and on about Zeus knows what. Oh and if you were wondering, because The Corporate Ministry has two bosses they both get to ramble on menacingly for a good five to seven minutes a piece. Shane still hates his dad. The Undertaker still hates everyone. The tide still comes and goes with the waxing and waning of the moon. The Earth still rotates.

With the formation of the new Corporate Ministry it seems that an adverse group has sprung up to try and upset any evil balance that the CM gains. The new group is The Union (Enough with all of the work parallels. When I watch wrestling entertainment I want to escape from my mind numbing job in the construction office under the coalmine and just wash away with some good old fashioned evil magic guys.) and it was formed by Man Kind, The Big Show, Ken Shamrock and Test. Three out of four ain’t bad I guess. And you do need at least two big guys in your group. But what a boon it would have been if The Union had gotten The Godfather to join their crew. I’m not trying to cry affirmative action but I certainly would have chosen The Godfather over Test. One, he’s a business owner. Two, he’s the Intercontinental Champion and everyone loves an Intercontinental Champion, never mind the fact that having some gold in your group really adds validity to your new formation of talent. I’m going to work under the assumption that The Godfather was asked to join The Union and that he respectively declined.

This makes two weeks in a row that Kane has had to carry X-Pac out of the ring over his shoulder and two times in twenty five minutes that The Corporate Ministry has come out to the ring to host a monologue but this time it’s to change up the matches. Maybe? It’s hard to imagine that any wrestler that was supposed to be wrestling that night would be okay with the entire program being changed at the whim of a child. It’s very Nero-esque.

“Yes absolutely, I drove all the way from East Lansing without any sleep to wrestle my first broadcast bout in three weeks for $100 but sure, you go ahead and have your four way guy wearing black match.” – Faruk, probably.

I must say that I’m genuinely excited that I’ll finally get to watch a Lumberjack match. Hopefully nothing goes a rye because it’s time to break out my flannel and incredibly long saws. Watch out trees! If you were wondering how The Undertaker has been sneaking into houses and holding teddy bears captive for the last few months the “big” reveal that Shane has been helping The Undertaker all along should really shock you, he even picked out Stephanie’s creepy wedding dress last week. Thanks big bro!
Ugh. Is there anything more unwanted than a Mean Street Posse tag team match? That hair!

Oh my goodness, I’m genuinely shocked at the ferocity with which the Brisco and Patterson are doling out pain to the Mean Street Posse. I know that it’s all made up and everyone is fake fighting but I still feel really bad for these guys. I think Brisco just whipped one of the MSP guys with his own belt. Good heavens.

All of the matches tonight seem to be more quantity than quality. As I’ve made abundantly clear I’m not a fan of Test (as he is the worst) and the McMahon on McMahon action earlier seemed to last as long as a quick sneeze. And as much as I enjoy a good hardcore match when it doesn’t involve HardcoreXHolly or Al Snow I can’t make myself care about Faruk or Bradshaw (even if they are throwing Man Kind through a bunch of chairs). It’s entirely possible that something union wise was happening in the news around May of 99 and the writers had a bunch of lazy union worker jokes sitting around and they decided that the best way to clear out the office would be to have about ten matches in half an hour.

When you’re an evil magician do you really need to pour ether all over your elbow pad and then put the giant guy (who has one armed tied behind his back) that you’re fighting into a literal sleeper hold? Why would a magical cemetery worker need to use ether to put a giant to sleep? Shouldn’t he have a spell ready for that kind of thing? I’ll let it go but I’ve seen no magic.

Is this what most evening gowns look like? I don’t get a chance to see very many because I don’t go on many dates with stepmoms so frankly a bit stumped about this clothing choice. Is this normal or is Debra wearing the glitter booby squares for comical/”sexy” effect. I hate using quotes like that but sometimes they’re right.

The Lumberjack match lasted about as long as any other match lasted tonight but with much more satisfying results. The moment that The Corporate Ministry lumberjacks took their places around the ring everyone basically started punching each other and dragging corporate ministry guys through the ropes. But the payoff of The Union (which I really thought was going no where, I was certain that they would just be four dudes with 2X4s for a couple of weeks) forming earlier this evening was that they got to run out to the ring with their numbers beefed up times ten (including The Godfather, GOOD JOB YOU GUYZ). I find that RAW is at it’s best when the show becomes completely unhinged and everyone starts suplexing each other. It may not make for pretty television but it’s definitely entertaining.

4-26-99: Do You Believe In Stone Cold?

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 12:37:05 -0500

This week’s episode of RAW was sadly pre-empted by the tragedy of the Columbine High School shooting of 1999, and as I’m opening up this file I’m certain that the producers of RAW will make sure to acknowledge the tragic events tastefully while continuing to entertain (because they are professionals people!) Surely the staff of RAW will make sure to keep things light and tip toe around anything that could upset the families of the victims of that horrible massacre. The best way to do that would probably be to just not refer to anything that isn’t an actual tragedy as a tragedy. We can probably make it through an episode of RAW without hyperbole. Right?

To bring you up to speed: Last night (in 1999) the PPV “Backlash” was held and Stone Cold retained his fancy belt and The Undertaker kidnapped Stephanie McMahon under the guise of limo driver. Ghost of future past much? Other, less important things also probably happened. Possibly involving Triple H, X-Pac, Val Venis, D’Lo Brown, and maybe Jeff Jarrett. But I can only guess as I refuse to go and watch. I still have to buy Christmas presents for everyone in the office!

BOOM! Three minutes in and we’re already throwing around words like tragedy and horrific about Stone Cold keeping his title. Well played JR. Get it out of your system and it won’t happen again, it’s like laughing at a funeral. Now that The Rock has been beaten by Stone Cold for the fiftieth(?) time I’m curious if The Rock is going to start feuding with anyone else. I remember some of the beats that come up but I can’t remember how things play out. At some point there’s going to be a triple threat match between The Rock, Stone Cold, and Triple H but how do we get there? And where does Shane McMahon play into this? Does he really weigh 200 lbs? That’s so many pounds! I might be getting up to Shane McMahon’s fighting weight in a few days, as of the writing of this episode it’s Christmas eve eve and I just ate a piece of an entire chocolate pecan pie that was baked for me. The whole thing is for me! How am I going to eat that? I need to a tag team partner for this pie. A big red Kane to my scrappy pie eating X-Pac.

After everything that’s happened, all of this Undertaker sacrificing malarky has just been a ruse so he can get controlling interest in The WWF and from what I can surmise a title match with Stone Cold? Don’t sacrifice me or anything but that seems a bit elaborate for an undertaker that’s also a ghost cowboy. To quote Steve Austin

“You ain’t makin’ no sense.”

Onto the boring D-X fallout/rivalry portion of the show! The music of Triple H and Billy Gunn has changed from the usual Degeneration-X entrance music to some new weirdly recorded songs that work their names into their respective themes. It’s a real sea change. I wonder if there was a 21 dudes doing the “suck it” motion salute when they finally had to retire the music. I guess it’s not completely retired. X-Pac is still using his incredibly annoying entrance theme and I think the Road Dogg (ugh) is still coming out to himself acting like an asshole. We’ll save our reverence for when the last bastion of sucking it has passed.

One thing that I find interesting about this tag team match up between good and boring dudez is that in one corner you’ve got Man Kind and The Big Show, two athletes that are still immensely popular and who seem really nice (The Big Show cries at least once an episode on modern day Smackdown and Man Kind is now defacto Santa Claus for the WWE) against The Big Bossman and Test, a couple of guys that seem to have the people skills of a cheese sandwich. Are there even any Bossman or Test fans? These dopes probably don’t even have any merch.

I think that The Godfather just won Debra in a match. Can the WWF officially sanction a match that involves human trafficking? They do have their own channel so I guess they can do whatever they want. The only interesting thing about the Jeff Jarrett/Owen Hart matches (so far) is that their manager, Debra/your stepmom, has no problem agreeing to the insane stipulations of these matches. Last week she agreed to not one but TWO matches where if the man in her corner lost she would have to show her breasts. Fine, whatever. It happens all the time. But this week the stipulation is that if Jeff Jarrett loses she’ll have to become a prostitute. RECORD SCRATCH! That is fucking bold you guys. I know that The Godfather isn’t an actual pimp (or at least I’m 95% sure) but should this really be a storyline on a family show? Or at least a show for young boys that are already really bad about objectifying women? If Owen Hart wouldn’t have come out to escort Debra away from the ring just before she was set to join the ranks of The Godfather’s Hoe Train we surely would have had this discussion.

Please take note of this amazing prop:

It looks to be The Undertaker’s very own brand of Necronomicon that includes all sorts of fancy spells and even a wedding ceremony. “A wedding ceremony!?” You say. “But Jacob how can a monster like The Undertaker who kidnaps women and sacrfices everyone on a giant T with an X on it looking thing believe in the sanctity of marriage?” You ask. Stop interrupting, I’m getting there. First I have to get through this growing pains section of X-Pac and Kane’s relationship. For some reason tonight’s episode has felt wildly disjointed. First you’ve got The Rock getting fired from The Corporation (which is just falling apart) and challenging Shane to a match only to have said match (and almost every other match) interrupted by Triple H and Chyna. Then you’ve got Vince McMahon goofing off in a warehouse waiting on The Undertaker and we’ve also got this (a fore mentioned) mess of a storyline between Kane and X-Pac. Friends means never having to say you’re sorry (for choke slamming someone) I guess. On top of those three messy story lines I can’t forget to mention that Val Venis is afraid of a rather muscly Nicole Bass who wants to do him (don’t you hate it when muscly ladies want to do you?) and HardcoreXHolly is really mad about something.

By the end of the night it seemed like most of the story lines had run their course but somehow most of them (the ones that don’t include Jeff Jarrett or Val Venis) intersected when The Undertaker tried to marry Stephanie McMahon on his rape symbol in the middle of the ring. Ken Shamrock, you may remember him from one of my favorite segments “Ken Shamrock hits people with a baseball bat” got belly flopped on while trying to break up the Unholy Union (YOU’RE WELCOME!) and then The Big Show kayfabe kicked a guy in the face but it wasn’t until Stone Cold showed up (even though you didn’t think he was going to show up except you totally knew he was going to show up) that things started looking up for the annullee to be. Thanks for tying up some of those loose ends Mr. Austin.

God Bless Us Everyone.

4-19-99: No Hoes Barred

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 10:00:00 -0500

Tired of The Undertaker’s rapey shenanigans and change of character as of late The Rock has decided to begin his change in occupation by driving a hearse into the auditorium while wearing a fancy suit with no shirt on underneath. Duh. Actually all of this is Dwayne Johnson’s inner AAAAAACTOOOOOR working it’s way out slowly but surely. He even brought an entire graveyard set with him to Tuskaloosa or wherever this is filming. Such a performer. How do you think one would go about digging an actual grave in a stadium? Would the ground flatten out in time for the Knicks game the next day? Does concrete flatten out? I’ll have to experiment and get back to you.

After disappearing on a three week meth binge The Road Dogg (ugh) is back to challenge Owen Hart to a Number One Contender or Titties match, probably one of the most popular matches in wrestling entertainment. For all intensive purposes The Road Dogg (blech!) won the titties but Jeff Jarrett ruined them for everyone (just like the mullet, but surprisingly not the white cowboy hat).

After winning the much coveted Intercontinental Championship last week The Godfather has insisted that he’ll be a “fighting champion” but how couldn’t you be? Can you imagine being a non fighting champion? “Why yes I did win this Intercontinental Championship but I don’t see myself fighting for at least another two months. My mother in law is sick and I just got a cracking recipe for a rhubarb pie. I’ll bring some to the next match!” But I digress, The Godfather is defending his title from HardcoreXHolly in a regular match but XHardcoreXHollyX can’t seem to stop fighting so hardcore. Now that he’s the duct tape champion he insists on whacking every wrestler in a ten foot radius with a pie tin. Even with this odd affectation he can’t seem to wrestle a regular fight without Al Snow or Goldust or some other nut coming in and cocking the whole thing up.

A SHORT PLAY CONCERNING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

“Thanks a lot you nuts!” – Hardcore Holly

“You’re welcome!” – Al Snow, Goldust, D’Lo Brown, etc

“I didn’t actually mean ‘thank you’ you dum dums, I was being sarcastic.” – Hardcore Holly

“Oh.” – Al Snow, Goldust, D’Lo Brown, etc

Hey guys we’re filming. Can everyone get off their god damn phones?

I don’t think that there’s ever been a wetter man in wrestling entertainment.

Thanks to Billy Gunn (I guess?) we’re having another titties match but for some reason the stakes don’t feel as high. Maybe if this was a titties or pony tail match we could talk but until then I think I’ll sign out.
Jeff Jarrett ruined titties for everyone again. What else is new?

This week’s episode is a great example (and I use the word loosely) of the EPs or maybe just Ps of the WWF coming up with a couple of great ideas (literally two) and not being able to fill out an entire episode. “Hey we’ll get The Rock to bury Stone Cold alive in the middle of an arena and then we’ll get Debra to pull out her tits…sort of. And then maybe we’ll get Man Kind to fight Triple H or something. Oh and make sure that The Undertaker keeps turning out the lights. We’ve got to keep our electricity bill down.”

I was trying to think of a funny thing to say about the closing minutes of RAW but I think I’ll just describe it as it happens.
The Rock delivers a eulogy to Stone Cold’s memory while Stone Cold drives a monster truck over The Rock’s new Lincoln Continental into the arena, parks on top of the hearse and then punches The Rock into the grave and pours beer all over him. Duh.

“Duh”

4-12-99: Bridge Over Troubled Water

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:00:06 -0500

Last time we checked in with with the RAW IS WAR crew Stone Cold had been destroying titantrons with the help of aptly named wrestlers and The Undertaker was snackrificing Ken Shamrock’s sister in lieu of his first choice Stephanie McMahon. That’s right, he ate her. Alive. But don’t worry my sweets, Vince McMahon has hired some of Detroit’s finest to keep watch over her guilded crest (YEP!) . Oh also Ken Shamrock was locked in the trunk of a hearse I think. Or maybe he was locked inside of a trunk inside of a hearse. Something like that.

Now that Shane is in charge of The Corporation and he’s gone on what the kids are calling a “power trip” and has in two fell swoops changed the name of The Corporation to The New Corporation and fired Brisco and Patterson, two of the least consequential WWF characters ever. Except for that episode where they had to go through all of those bars and find Stone Cold, that was hilarious.

Thank everything that is holy that the Women’s Championship match is the first match of the evening.

So Stone Cold still (alliteration!) hasn’t gotten his belt back and the Texas Rattlesnake is starting to get a bit testy with Mr. The Rock. If he didn’t put so much stock in Earthly possessions I doubt he would be so upset every week. You have one very nice belt Steve, cherish it. After all you can’t take it with you.

The main event for tonight’s RAW is a parlour game presented by Sir Mr. The Rock wherein Stone Cold will have to follow clues that he finds throughout the arena and city of Detroit to locate Sir The Rock and his whimsical Smoking Skull Belt. My goodness that sounds like fun, hopefully I can download a card to play my own version at home.

Why was The Undertaker so rapey in 99? I remember him being a literal undertaker, a cowboy, then a biker; but never a rapist. Maybe that’s why my mom made me stop watching. Did Ken Shamrock have his own brand of jorts? Arizona could have made them.They could have been called “Shorts”, it would have defeated the purpose of calling them jorts I suppose but I still would have worn them.

I think that The Rock’s scavenger hunt is taking longer than he had hoped.

Short’s sister has been kidnapped again and she’s in the boiler room (again) being …raped? Molested? Something awful I guess. Anyway Shorts is going to find her but also Mankind is in the boiler room being kooky (a’nodoy) so we’ll see how that shakes out in a bit I’m sure. Everyone is going to get hit by a baseball bat I guess.

The Godfather should win some sort of championship, be it the Intercontinental Championship or tag team or something. How good would he look with a gold belt? I think he has a rubber belt or something right now. They make rubber belts don’t they? Maybe it’s some sort of polyurethane mix. Or a belt made of pure imagination.

Update on Shamrock, he went to the boiler room and hit a bunch of people with a baseball bat (you guys owe me a million dollars!) but ended up getting kidnapped and will probably be “sacrificed” after these messages from Taco Bell and USA’s premiering of Idle Hands.

I’m going to try to straighten all of this Shamrock business out in my head. Ken Shamrock is crazy but also very tuff, thus The Undertaker wants to make him a cult member, but he also hates the vampires that are working for him so he tries to teach them a lesson by sacrificing them? Or maybe just beating them up and sacrificing Shamrock? And now the vampires aren’t in The Undertakers group anymore. Fine. I guess Shamrock got away in the melee. I hope he got to keep that rather strapping cult robe.

X Pac & Kane VS Triple H & Test. I. Could. Not. Care. Less.
The thing that I don’t understand about the Kane back story isn’t that he survived a fire set by The Undertaker who is also his half brother or step brother or whatever. He may or may not be able to control fire and he’s possibly made of magic. If he’s such a dummy who supposedly doesn’t understand what he’s doing at any time (unless he’s harnessing the power of fire) then how did he sign a contract to be in the WWF to begin with? How did he join The Corporation? And how does he know to stand on the side of the ring when he’s not tagged in? How does he know to fucking tag himself in. Get your shit together WWF writers in 1999. I realize that I’m splitting hairs but these are the things that get on my nerves while I’m sitting at my mothers house watching old wrestling videos. [edit: I’m now at my apartment, ladies]

Is The Undertaker’s real name Mark? Shamrock keeps calling him Mark. Maybe its a pet name or something. You know how you have pet names for people that are basically real names. Biblical pet names. There’s your new band kids.

RAW needs more throwing people over bridges into lakes.

I could watch The Rock improv with a fishing pole all day.

Thanks for reading this week’s episode you guys, here are some choice quotes to end your week with.

“Detroit’s always been a good place to party” – JR

“Everybody knows that hoes love gold” – Jerry Lawler

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:06:06 -0500

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

4/5/99: Bad Ass Billy Gunn & The Haunted Boy Shorts

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:34:00 -0400

Settle in children, get a nice cup of steamed pumpkin apple cider with spiced cinnamon and a handful of candy as I tell you the story of Vince McMahon and The Undertaker. Once, they were but two young men flailing wildly in the brave new world called wrestling entertainment. But then one sold his soul to the prince of darkness and started bowing to the almighty dollar. The other was sort of a cowboy for a while and then he became kind of a cult leader. Later he would be a biker. Also Stone Cold still wants his personalized Smoking Skull Heavyweight championship belt.

Vince McMahon is out of the show today. He’s worried about his recently un-kidnapped daughter and in what was probably a rash decision made b picking a card out of a stack marked “BAD DECISIONS” he leaves his son Shane in charge of RAW Tonight, Shane’s character choice will be “coked up asshole”. VERY GOOD CHOICE!

From the looks of things Shane’s first act as Head (read:host) of RAW tonight was to put together a *New* Corporation and then to put them in silly hats or tiny sunglasses. Or both.

I know most of you reading this and I know you’ve all made questionable fashion choices in life. Every night you should thank your lucky stars that you didn’t make them on live television. AAAAAAAAAAANYWAYZ; Shane seems dead set on mentally torturing Stone Cold by posting a late 90s version of an animated .gif of his fancy pants vintage Smoking Skull belt on the titan tron randomly throughout the night. Shane you bad.

28 minutes. That’s how long it took The Undertaker to hijack this episode. I guess he’s going to rekidnap Stephanie McMahon and make her into a super goth like him. Fine. Whatever. Take her to Hot Topic and get it over with. Just stop interrupting my show please. And a word of advice to Vince McMahon, if you’re so worried about The Undertaker stealing your daughter and getting her to listen to Milk & Kisses (no, really listen to it) on repeat then just leave the auditorium. That’s all you have to do! Just get in a limo and go home. Although Paul Bearer would probably be driving the limo and I don’t know, Faruk would be the doorman. I don’t really know how limos work. Maybe it’s just best to surround yourself with all of the security that you can find.

And just to make sure I get this out there, in The Undertaker’s big speech that was in half fake Latin he never explicitly said that he was going to re-kidnap Stephanie McMahon. He just said that he wanted to and that he would sacrifice a girl. So draw your own obvious conclusions. Or are they? (The are, he sacrifices someone else).

Here’s a skit that I wrote that takes place back stage at Monday Night RAW.

Producer: Alright alright people, we finally got Shane outta the booth. Geeze Louise I am tired of that guy telling us to put things up on the Titantron. Sometimes I just wish someone would rip it down. Okay what do you got next, ah yes a couple of vampireare fighting The New Age Outlaws. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Producer 2: Uh Jerry we’ve got about three minutes to fill before The Outlaws take the stage.

Producer: Then lets use that footage of Christian getting flogged by The Undertaker.

AND SCENE!

After the flogging most of the episode takes place at the announcers table. And not with spandexed wrestlers getting slammed into it over and over again like you and I would be hoping about, Jerry and Michael seem to be too enthralled with their discussion of the behind the scenes goings on of the WWF and their thoughts on the super creepy Undertaker to give any fucks about The Road Dogg (ugh) or Al Snow. And rightly so.

I’m so so so happy that The Godfather is wrestling tonight. This ticket feels like the producers knew that this episode would be too heavy and rightly assumed that they needed to lighten the mood.

WELL DONE! I wonder how it feels to know that everyone is having a better night because of you, however that feels must be how The Godfather feels on a day to day basis. One day I will be as The Godfather, rife with green polyester pants and hoes. Waterfalls of delicious hoes! Also he’s fighting Goldust so that’s just a win win for the audience. How can Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole even try to discuss all of that Undertaker malarky when an honest to goodness pimp is wrestling a transvestite wearing gold face paint and the pimp’s hoes are chasing the transvestite’s daughter/the blue meanie around the ring with their shoes? It’s impossible. Also The Undertaker kidnapped Ryan Shamrock (maybe) and they’re going to sacrifice her in front of a live studio audience in New Jersey. Which is kind of fine actually because she’s been looking for an identity and the goth phase is an important part of life. Personally I’ve had two.

A few stray observations: I love that The Rock hates the audience saying his catch phrases along with him. I’m glad that there’s a wrestler that represents my disdain for people that talk while *I* talk. Also when people don’t smell what I’m cookin’ it gets on my nerves.
I am so pleased to finally see someone grab two people by the head and knock them together. That almost never happens in real life.
This show has gone off the rails completely. The Undertaker is kidnapping random women and sacrificing them to Robert Smith while The Big Show and Stone Cold Steve Austin are performing amateur construction on the Titantron out of spite. They’ve really come back from that March Slump.

Happy Halloween America